People pay for this shit. Quite literally. Pun intended. I didn’t, it was privatised, and you have my word, post-colonoscopy, I will never pay for those laxatives.
There aren’t many first-person accounts of colonoscopies- probably because it’s a questionable, serious and rather unattractive topic. Will Smith recently videoed his for YouTube and that requires a lot of respect! No… he didn’t video the part where they shove a camera up your anus (back passage for those of you who don’t like the language).
This is a much more casual and personal post than my usual articles but I hope you enjoy finding out the dirty details.
PREPARATION
Everyone’s colonoscopy prep is different depending on the situation, countries and medical practises. I only starved for one day. You can eat a low-fibre breakfast the day before the examination. I’m social and I was visiting family. It wasn’t excruciating watching them eat lunch. It was painful eating my ‘clear’ soup which technically you’re not allowed… but hello, I would’ve gone crazy without food. We sieved out the chunky chicken and sweetcorn from my gooey soup (basically settled broth). That wasn’t fun.
I drank 3 glasses of delicious plain coffee, no milk, because I was allowed. Not because it’s something I do daily.
I’m prolonging the inevitable. When I tell you about the laxatives. The expensive, aggressive laxatives which seem so innocent in their packaging.
Moviprep was my companion. At 4.30pm I mixed the first batch together (directions are dependent on the brand), this is supposed to be drunk over 2-3 hours, they said no rush. But in my opinion I should have started earlier at 3.30pm or 4pm and gotten a good night’s rest as my appointment was in the morning.
LAXATIVE TIME – YAY
Over the course of one hour, I drank slowly, nothing was wrong. But once it hit 5.30pm, that’s when shit went down. Yup, yet again I’m using a pun. By the second batch, I wanted to cry. Drinking slowly, there wasn’t a break between batches (as advised). A secret between you and I, every glassful, once the bottom was in sight… I did a cathartic spill in the bathroom sink. Then begrudgingly filled it back up from the concoction in my one litre jug.
Throughout the process, you also need to drink 1 litre water as the Moviprep will dehydrate you. That’s 3 litres water over 4-5 hours. WHY IS THIS A THING?
Can’t I swallow a tablet and that clear up my backside enough for the camera to clearly see? Without any painful ordeal. Is that too much to ask?
Disclaimer: You’ve seen a waterfall… but have you been a waterfall? Taking laxatives? It’s your time to find out. Apparently you can piss out of your backside. Be prepared because that’s the point of the laxative. I’m sorry.
THE DAY OF COLONOSCOPY
By midnight I was done. In many ways. Bare in mind I haven’t eaten anything for dinner either. Somehow in the morning I felt fine. It was strange, there was a gnawing hunger, which surprisingly I could hear considering I’m deaf in one ear, yet I wasn’t in dire need of a roast.
Everything was simple at the hospital. I registered, had a quick questionnaire with a funny nurse from the Phillipines who spoke to me about his wife and their life in the UK. I went on to read my book until I was called into the examination room. While reading the book, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong, another nurse asked me what I was reading as I seemed engrossed. She paused and waited for a response. I looked at the sex scene on the page in front of me, smiled up at her and said ‘this guy is talking about his family being from Vietnam and living in America’. I shielded the pages from her poor eyes after that interaction.
SEDATION
When asked if you want sedation… do you expect to be sedated DURING the procedure? That’s what I expected. Nope. Not going to happen. Awake and well-acquainted with the camera. The sedation happened just after the insertion. BRILLIANT. Disgusting yet fascinating, I saw the entire examination of my backside on a large TV screen. I have the print-out proof. Don’t make me show you.
My sister received an excited text from me saying I got the opposite of an ultrasound (she’s pregnant). They took tissue samples from within me which is a strange experience; you’re watching it happen and feeling it simultaneously.
I fell asleep AFTER they wheeled my bed back to my private room. After. Did I tell you I fell asleep after the occurrence? I had planned to sleep during. In hindsight, it was interesting and I’m glad I was awake. The two nurses and one doctor were great company during the colonoscopy. It was over quickly and I got picked up.
You’re not allowed to leave alone if sedated and they will repeatedly ask if someone is collecting you. I went alone because I happen to do many things alone and that’s okay. But I appreciated the drop-off and pick-up (plus a cheeky Nando’s drop-by on the way home). It was well-deserved.
AFTERWARDS
Apparently, you’re not supposed to feel much afterwards. Yet I was drowsy for the whole day and my bum has never been so numb.
I woke the next day sore with a dull ache in my lower left abdomen which is where the colon resides. That ache was there for a few days and went gradually as I started stretching and going back into my yoga and HIIT workouts. I believe the soreness comes from the tissue samples they collected.
This round-up of my colonoscopy examination is for all those who want a few more details. Nobody told me any of this and I wanted to share. Everyone’s experience is different, let me know how yours goes.
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